Do I smell?

Sorry that it has taken me forever to write another post. I've wanted to write about so many things throughout this semester but can't ever really find the words or the time. Sadly, they have gone unsaid...

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life. WHAT AM I DOING? WHY AM I HERE? These questions seem so big, and maybe you never stop questioning life. Maybe it is a good thing because if you didn't question and analyze what you are doing you can kinda get stuck before you even realize it. That is how I'm feel right now....

STUCK.

Monday morning in my devotions I was reading this....

"For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task?Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God."

I love this concept. but it makes me question... HOW DO I SMELL?

The message version say that we are either an exquisite or the stench from a rotting corpse. YIKES!!!! Is it just me or does that idea scare you?

Rob Bell in one of this books says this:

"Because with every action, comment, conversation, we have the choice to invite Heaven or Hell to Earth."

STUCK, SMELL. SMELL, STUCK.

Maybe they only go together in my mind. But some days, I feel like I am stuck smelling...

The other day I was talking to my friend and she said, Jess you will make it through. NOW, that is the thing! I just don't want to MAKE IT THROUGH, that is not living life... I want to thrive! I'm tired of just barely making it. There is so much more to life then just that....

How do I smell?

When people meet me, do they notice that I am different? Do they smell Jesus in my life?

New.

I really hate change, and I think I am being challenged on this issue this semester. Again and again I keep feeling that every part of my life that I have grown comfortable with over that last couple years has been taken away from me. God is really testing my foundation (or what it was in the past) he is swiftly changing the things that need to go until only he remains. CAUTION: Be careful what you pray for!

These words popped into my head tonight, and i can't shake them...

When the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standin'

When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you.

Daddy's Girl

When I was little my siblings and I used to do the craziest things. I remember clearly waiting for my Dad to come home after his weekends spent on reserve duty with the Marine Corps and all of us kids running up to my Dad and him holding all four of us (David wasn't born at the time). I also remember fighting with my sister on who would get to unlace my Dad's boots and who would get the honored privilege of taking his boots and socks off. Whoever lost would have to get him water. I always hated getting the water because that meant that I didn't get to sit on his lap first! As I think about these memories now, I laugh at how silly they are!

Another thing that I remember clearly from my childhood was taking naps with my Dad. Now I am sure that everyone can remember something similar to this because well face it... Parents ONLY made us take naps because they were tired themselves! Needless to say the particular imagine that I have ingrained in my mind is one that I hope never escapes my memory. I wish I had the imagine in a photograph...

I remember vividly laying next to my Dad with my head on his chest, tucked under his arm. Now my Dad of course was already sleeping and I was trying my best to fall asleep but I couldn't so I started to concentrate on matching my breathing with that of my Dads. Which after all was a challenge because I was so small but when I finally got my chest to rise and fall with my Dad's it was then that I fell asleep.

This image popped into my head the other night while I was praying and journaling. I have been truly blessed with a Dad who from a young age was showing me things about my heavenly father LONG before I even knew they were things that I needed to learn. One of the things that I learned was how to be a Daddy's girl and now that I am older and trying to grow up I see the similarities.... I so desire to be a Daddy's girl! and Not in the earthly sense because frankly I still Am one. But now I am learning how God also wants me to have that same relationship with him.

This summer I have really have been pursing the face of God and my heart longs for the day when I will be so in sync with the Father that my breathing will match his....

"Where You go, I'll go and

What you say, I'll say God and

When you pray, I'll pray. "

Shadows

I sometimes feel like the MOST stubborn person that has ever walked this planet! Will I ever learn these lessons? Like really learn them? To be able to understand it so fully that it shatters me to the very core of my being!?

I was watching one of my favorite shows today Interventions and while I was watching it I didn't think it was anything significant until it hit me later. The Interventionist was telling the family that in order for the addict to make changes and find healing they must hit rock bottom and that the job of the intervention itself was to foster that rock bottom for the addict.

I think someday, days like today that I need a spiritual intervention.....

" Hi, My name is Jessica and I'm addicted to CONTROL and trying to do things my own way!"

I have my mind so full of just stuff. Things that are not bad such as what kind of curriculum should we use for Lightzone? or I need to book more shows this month!, do I have enough money saved up for a car? How am I going to pay for school this year? but all of these questions that keep floating through my mind its all just stuff! I can so quickly and easily lose focus on the things that really matter in life.

I read this quote recently, not sure where I found it but needless to say it still hits me...

" We occasionally flip the switch,

but most of the time we SETTLE for shadows"

Maybe I am the only one who has ever felt this way but sometimes i feel like I am just fumbling through life. I guess that is the appropriate response when I continue to settle for living in the shadows when I have the resources to TURN THE DANG LIGHT ON AND KEEP IT ON!

When I settle for living in the shadows even under my BEST intentions, when I think that I am making the most logical decisions in planning ahead for LZ and other things of that nature... I still screw up! Doing things God's ways are not always the most logical! I think sometimes it means going into things blindly when I REALLY wanted a plan! Or trusting God that he will provide the money when I doesn't look humanly possible that it will work!

My Brother Sean encouraged me last week to start writing down what God is doing in my life, even the small things because we all easily forget how God is constantly moving! That way when situations that should stress us out come up we can go back and read those reminders and know that God is always working!

All of that to say: This is my written reminder to myself! Jessica, you don't have to worry about what is going to happen! God WILL provide like he always has! it brings me to tears just remembering that! My heart is heavy for Lightzone that God will provide the staff that we need the that the teen will keep coming. As I stay on my knee continually praying for this, I ask that you pray along side me!

Where my heart is...

I was trying to figure out what I would say for my first post when I watched a video that was made about Lightzone, I realized this is a good place to start...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kONnKs1heHE

In a million years I would have never imagined myself doing anything like this let alone preparing to lead it next year. God is Good. He continually breaks my heart for these kids and has not stopped showing me his love, and his character through this program...

Lightzone is an inner city outreach that takes place in Toccoa, Ga. I would consider this to be the closest thing that most of this teens will ever see of a youth group. On Thursday nights we are the church to these kids. Which is a scary thought considering we are a bunch are college kids. I am starting to realize more and more that so often we get caught up in the traditions, rules, and the masks that we as Christians put on but we continue to miss the mark.

LOVE.

It seems so simple but yet somehow we seem to miss it. Lightzone is teaching me just that. The Holy Spirit continually teaches me how to love these kids unconditionally. In some ways I just sit back and laugh at the irony of it all, I'm suppose to be teaching these teens about Christ but Christ has used them in my life to teach me about himself.

These days this is where my heart is. I have a new found respect for ALL of the youth leaders and sponsors in my life that helped me get to the place I am today. My only prayer is that God would use me in the same way in the lives of those teens...

"I ain't sayin you wrong if you live in burbs I'm sayin turn your attention to the hood cause we hurting...You hold the truth that saves so run and shout it to the world They can't believe in something they ain't never heard Go, go, go and run with those beautiful feet"